Writing is so difficult when you don’t take care of yourself. Drive for anything gets squashed. It’s been a couple weeks of nothing, and that always bothers me. Yet, in this mode I barely want to do much about it. Here goes nothin’.
I suppose you could say my life has been ‘sheltered’. By luck, good fortune, and the strength of my mother, I am where I am today. Private school was part of my old catholic upbringing, then came high school living in suburbia; I’m fairly certain one of my neighbors has a white picket fence. My family hasn’t always had a lot of money, but enough where I never gave it much thought. Struggle was never part of my vocabulary when it came to money. It was barely understood outside of my mental health issues. I am just a white boy living in suburbia, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know pain. Pain is not something anyone can be sheltered from.
No money, no job, an agonizing amount of debt, and no idea where the future is headed. This is where I am, living with my parents, by circumstance as well as my own stupidity. Failure is not something I am familiar with. What could I possibly have failed at? I failed a paper once, sure. I’ve been fired before, sure. My words have not always been carefully spoken and caused harm, sure. But where it matters, where it matters most is feeling that you failed yourself or those you care about. How do you deal with that failure?
My most recent job, I learned different philosophies centered around business. Conceptual thinking about success, habits, how to handle the day when it seems like the world is against you. And one thing I learned from my leaders was that you have to reject rejection. I’m slightly altering that to say, we must reject failure.
Sometimes, if you’re like me, you see a challenge, and you think you’re ready to take it on, that you’re going to overcome it. I didn’t; that did not happen for me. I felt like I failed myself, because I couldn’t rise up to the challenge. Anxiety made the job that much more difficult. I felt strained on all sides, the work was challenging my personal flaws, open communication, social anxiety, and lack of drive. In my stubborn defense, I have a wonderful drive, except, I struggled to understand my future and what I wanted.
Another thing I learned while working there was about the steps to success. On the list was along the lines of know why you’re here, and where you’re going. That was my biggest problem. It has also been my biggest problem this past year that I can see a clear dent in my bedroom wall caused by my head repeatedly banging against it.
My mom reads these, so I’m gonna say right now, my head is fine. I don’t actually beat my head against my wall.
Anywho, I have not known why I’m here, or where I am going for the longest time. Because of this, I have been failing for the longest time. My depression has seeped in to amplify the hopelessness, and the anxiety has amplified the worry about the future. I have been failing. That’s all there is to it. There is no excuse, no pill, no outside force to blame and curse at, even though cursing is fun. I still don’t know where I’m going. But I know why I’m here. Vaguely. But still, I am rejecting failure. The key to doing that is to let go and move on. Otherwise, the choices we have are taken from us. It is no longer a choice, it is our environment weighing us down. We are mindless people walking through fields. Don’t blame depression, recognize it. Don’t blame some thing for how you feel, recognize why you feel that way. Don’t blame yourself, recognize who you are.
Being as stubborn as I am, part of what I am trying to learn is to ask for help. It’s a hard thing when you’ve always felt so independent. But when the world is on your back, you’ll need a buddy or two to make it through. Asking for help is not always about being dependent, just admitting that you’re human. For some odd reason that can be difficult to bring to light.
Sometimes the choice is easy but most often the choice is hard. Depression will always suck. But what choice are you going to make? You are in more control of your struggle than you think. You can either take care of yourself or don’t; that choice is yours.
You are not alone. You are more than just one thing.